a christian hedonist

Sorry, Ive intended not to write English here cause I do keep another English diary, but since this is the explanatory continuation of the last entry, I guess it makes sense this to be posted. And if you wonder why this is not in Thai well, thinking in other languages helps me to think slower and therefore able to organize my thoughts. -_-;; Anyways, here it goes.

It dont do me any good
Its just a waste of time
What use is it to you
Whats on my mind
If aint coming out
Were not going anywhere
So why cant I just tell you that I care

Im feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know youre worth it
Youre worth it
Yeah

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I wanna blow you... away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Guess Im wishing my life away
With these things Ill never say

Things I'll Never Say, Avril Lavigne

Ok, so Ive announced to the world that I dont need a boyfriend now. And that means just now, not forever please, get that straight. I dont hate boys; I do like them. I think of them and I cant stop thinking. Its the latter part that makes that a problem.

Say, when I think of someone, whoever that is, I start imagining what he would say, what he do and blah, blah, blah. Amazing how much time and energy I could waste on thinking, or better daydreaming, alone. The worst though is that most of the time all those thoughts are more about me: what I want him to say, what I wish he would do, how hes supposed to do them, most of which are not at all likely to happen, not in the near future anyway. When the focus is on my needs, in other words, thinking that way is totally selfish. And selfishness just doesnt go with love. Therefore, I want to stop thinking cause, apparently, I m not really in love.

In a way, maybe this kind of problem is harder for me to deal with since I always think of boys as potential boyfriends. I dont have brothers, am not close to cousins, was in a girl school, and am now in an almost-all-girl faculty. I do have boy friends (not boyfriends), but the close ones are gays. Nozomi would be one of very few straight males I can hang out with without thinking of romance, but again, theres a huge language barrier between us. So when it comes to guys, I can only be interested or the opposite. Honestly, I just dont know how to treat boys any other way; Ive never been good around them.

Furthermore, admit it, everyone would want the one we love to think and love and care for us the way we do to them. Just think of the effort to keep our loved ones happy and satisfied. Its not easy; its exhausting. And the thing is I dont want anyone to do that much for me. I believe a guy has better things to do than taking care of a girl he barely knew, unless he intends to marry her. I mean, if hes still a student, he should be studying; if he has started working, he should keep his focus on it; and if hes a Christian, especially, he should know already the better ways to spend his time. Dont forget, there are a lot of things you can do only when youre single.

In order to keep me and my counterpart sane and clear of distractions from the activities were supposed to be doing, I have to be careful with what I say and do: define a clear, solid line of friendship, never date them, but first and foremost, never tell them exactly what I think of them.

Now everyone would say that its ok to tell somebody you like them. Well, is it really? Except getting it off my chest, I dont see any point why I should let them know. (PNoina wrote about it recently, but I dont really agree with that to tell the truth. strengthen the friendship? Come on.)

So if youre not planning to break up, until youre both ready to get down to a relationship (that is, to be serious), let us not overreact to our short-term crush and take our time, do a little more observation with our eyes open, shall we?

Now I really do sound like weirdo, dont I.

Ps. Just in case youve reached the end, here, which I think itd be a surprise anyone would, thank you for being patient with me.

edit @ 2005/05/25 19:30:01