a christian hedonist

ไปดูไดอะรี่เก่าๆที่เคยเขียนไว้ก่อนย้าย
(ที่เขียนอยู่ตอนนี้เป็นอันที่สอง - ถ้าใครทนอ่านย้อนไปถึงเอนทรีแรกได้ก็จะรู้แหละว่าทำไมถึงย้าย)

อ่านแล้วก็รู้สึกว่า... เราเขียนยังงี้ได้เหมือนกันแฮะ
ทั้งๆที่เขียนเอง กลับจำไม่ได้
เหมือนระบายไปแล้วก็ลืมน่ะ

เลือกเฉพาะที่สั้นๆมาให้อ่านเล่น (บางเอนทรียาวเป็นหน้าเลย)
ไม่แปลล่ะนะ ขี้เกียจ

* เราไม่ค่อยเขียนชื่อคนที่เราพูดถึง (ถ้าจำเป็นจริงๆอาจจะใช้ตัวย่อ) เพราะฉะนั้น แม้จะใช้คำว่า you/he/she เหมือนกัน อาจจะไม่ได้หมายถึงคนเดียวกัน

2003-07-14/6:15 p.m. - underneath
I hate my poems but I hate what it takes to write them even more

Underneath

Look at me
Look into my eyes
And tell me what you see
Not what you wish for
Not what you want me to be
Not somebody else
But simply me
See me for who I am
And all that I can be
Cause Im here by your side
And with you where Ill be
Look,
Cant you see
Me

2003-08-02/11:07 p.m. - toenails
He noticed the new color I had on my toenails...

2003-08-06/1:26 p.m. - feeling good
I just realized one thing:
it isn't the good things that make me feel good,
it's me feeling good that makes all things better.

2003-08-30/11:40 a.m. - call
Calling someone when they just woke up,
neither want to hang up
nor ready to talk,
you know how the conversation goes,
and even how it ends.

2003-09-04/7:24 p.m. - meaningless
What's the point of saying what you don't mean?

2003-09-08/8:05 p.m. - upset
The more time I spend with him, the worst he makes me feel.
I always believe that the further physically, the closer emotionally.
Well, the other way around is also true in this case.

By the way, I've started writing my diary in Japanese.
In other words, I became exceedingly upset.

2003-09-17/7:53 p.m. - obsess
I've been spending my days trying not to think of him,
not to talk about him,
and not to call him.

2003-10-09/11:57 a.m. - over
one day i'll look back to this moment
and regard it just as foolish
as incredible
as fading
as any other part of my life

2003-10-24/1:26 p.m. - done
i called
he doesn't even care to talk
but all have been asked and answered
what else i can do but to let go?

2003-11-07/3:11 p.m. - without
An empty day,
especially the emptiest,
assures me
that I can live without you.

2003-11-13/3:51 p.m. - now
i'm not sure which i'd prefer...
between
me not receiving his call
and
him not answering my call

2003-11-29/1:28 p.m. - stop.
I should have loved you.
But you gave me no choice.
And I had no right to choose.

Sorry.
But you let me down.
And I give you up.

2003-12-01/4:42 p.m. - someday
reading older diaries reminds me lots of things...
the feelings i used to feel
the things i used to do
the thoughts i used to think
and, of course, the differencs of now and then
i don't know why i stopped writing,
maybe i should write again
and perhaps even rewrite some part
well, if that ever happened, people,
that'd mean i'm totally over him

2003-12-13/6:43 p.m. - choice
When you have
the one whom you want
and
the one who wants you,
which would you choose?

Case I
I tried not to look at him and was successful.
He tried not to catch my eyes too, I guess, and I dont care.
I didnt say hi.
Neither did he.
Thinking about how much time we used to be together, and yet we could coldly pretend we didnt even know each other.
Isnt it funny, how laughable is this indifference.

Case II
After couple months of not talking, not looking, not knowing each other,
he called me the other day.
He just happened to see a copy of LPs concert on vcd and wondered if I wanted it.
I said no without gratitude.
Then he said bye before he hung up.
I realized, again, just why he has to be so considerate when Im not in the position to return that feeling.
That 36 seconds bothers me, hurts me even.

Without thinking, Id say I want the one I want.
Sadly, an afterthought would correct me I'd been wrong.

2003-12-15/9:08 p.m. - confession
just one more thing...

i don't wanna be alone.

i don't.

i can't.

2003-12-18/1:47 p.m. - nonsense
not that i like deleting my entries
but you have to admit
sometimes i don't really know what i was talking about

2003-12-20/4:43 p.m. - tear
these tears are not yours,
they're mine.
i decided to let them flow.

2003-12-23/6:15 p.m. - indifference
i was gonna erase all the entries in which i mentioned him
but i changed my mind, i'll leave them there
they don't bother me

i always knew things change,
but i didn't expect this much

somebody once said the opposite of love is not hatred,
it's indifference

well, i just hit the bottom line

2004-01-04/3:38 p.m. - beautiful
for the first time in my life, i wake up feeling beautiful.
i never think i'm beautiful ever.
but these couple days when I look at the girl in the mirror,
she smiles back at me.

2004-01-07/9:46 p.m. - unequal
when i want her more than she wants me,
it hurts

2004-01-07/10:08 p.m. - yesteryear
look, i know what i promised
but what's the point
the written evidence is bad enough
it's a memory, just plain memory
nothing more
i'll let the past be the past
and even if i forget, which i will,
i don't care
with or without it, i'm moving on

2004-01-14/4:55 p.m. - occupied
5 millions and 30 thousands assignments waiting in my to-do list,
all marked urgent,
great,
i'll have less time to think.

2004-02-01/4:31 p.m. - limitation
one thing i hate about being a human is that my ability is fucking limited.

2004-02-25/9:04 p.m. - aloneness
about an hour ago, i said his name. it hadn't been mentioned for months. surprised even myself when it slipped out... well, if i had ever been in love, then i already forgot how it feels like. totally. i can't even imagine. i know i can get used to almost eveything. even the loneliness, i dare say. everyday, i sense its existance in every song, every movie, every person, in every fucking thing around me. and i don't care. i don't fucking care that you're not here

2004-04-22/2:40 p.m. - leave
a day left to look into your eyes...
oh, i do hate depending on you to be happy

2004-04-23/8:24 a.m. - leaving
4 more hours
and we'll forever be apart

i'm not gonna be sorry

2004-04-26/6:30 a.m. - left
I thought I was the most careful when, unexpectedly, he came out of nowhere. And crashed.
But 9 days was too short for one to fall in love.
And I dont believe that true love is something you can just fall into anyway. I mean, it needs more than feelings alone.
Guess Im not a dreamer.

And I left it all behind.

2004-04-27/12:29 p.m. - holiday
what else you have after a trip but a pile of dirty laundry, a souvenir that looked better in store, and a desire to be back on holiday.

2004-06-01/1:37 p.m. - how
how could i help you from falling
if you do want to fall

2004-06-24/9:32 p.m. - this
if i have one chance with you.

this time won't be the same, this time will be something new. this time i won't fail. this time i won't look back. this time i'll stop being confused. this time i will try, really try. and this time i will love someone, not only with words or feelings, but with the whole heart in action. this time i want to make it right.

i'd do anything. even if it requires patience, silence, and distance. even if it seems impossible.

if only i have one chance.
with you.

2004-06-25/7:49 p.m. - young
a teacher of mine, as he assigned us a bunch of crap to do, said it wouldn't hurt us.

"you're young."

yes, i'm young. and being young i think i've missed a whole lot of experiences by spending all my fucking time on these assignments of the subjects that i will probably forget right after i finish.

i do have a life to live, you know, if you'd give me the time.

2004-08-23/13:23 p.m. - eternity?
what would be the point of anything in this world...

if it doesn't last.